still that 1% April 24, 2009

It’s been a little bit since I have been on here and written anything but i felt the need to clear my head so this is my way of doing it at the moment. Lately I have been wondering and thinking a lot- just about life and things going on and things that have already happened and the future and all these sorts of things. And something has really been on my mind so here goes whatever…

So many things have happened in my life that sometimes I wish I could take back but then there’s that corny little quote bubble that pops up and says “everything you have been through makes you the person you are today bla bla bla” but anyways…I was wondering this: If you know something is bad for you and only hurts you then why do we as human beings continue to go back to that thing??? Why do we constantly let these things come in and take over us as if we have no control over ourselves??? Why do I continue to run straight back to that thing that has caused me so much pain on so many levels???? And i think i have figured out the answer to these questions to an extent….. 99% OF ME KNOWS THIS IS BAD FOR ME AND WILL ONLY END UP HURTING ME IN THE END…..BUT THEN…..THERE IS STILL THAT 1% OF ME THAT CONTINUES TO HAVE HOPE AND BELIEF THAT ONE DAY IT WILL WORK OUT.

I don’t know why I want to keep holding on to this. It stays on my mind 24/7 and pretty much consumes my life. I know I am a strong person but when it comes to dealing with this I am like a vulnerable child who has no control over anything….and i hate this feeling so bad. I want to let go… I want to be strong and have the guts to do without this. I honestly sometimes feel so weak and so at a loss for a solution. I keep holding on to that 1% of me and I continue to have faith that this will turn out the way i want it to. Am I wrong for doing this or does everyone in the whole world come across a situation like this???

Sorry for writing what sounds like a really sad pitty party, but that is not my intentions with this at all… It’s just on my mind and I have no one to tell…so I guess i will tell whoever reads this. I just want to be as strong when dealing with this as I am in almost all other situations and I hope that one day I will understand that I am worth so much more than this. I deserve the best as does everyone else in the world. I know life throws things at us to teach us but sometimes I just want to throw rocks right back at life…I mean come on you are killing me inside. So anyways…that’s all I have…sorry for the rambling. peace.

exciting news!!! April 8, 2009

It’s almost to the end of this semester (it’s not over til it’s over but anyways) and we had to sign up today for our internship. This is super exciting but very scary because that means that in a little over 8 months I will be a real nurse! To be honest this kind of scares me to death but at the same time I am super stoked. So I found out I am going to be able to do my internship in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at UAB which is a bomb diggity hospital…one of the best in the nation from what I hear.

Throughout this whole nursing school experience, I found my love for the labor and delivery and nursery areas last semester. I’ve always loved babies and getting to see a woman at one of the happiest moments in her life is so rewarding. So in saying all this, I hope that I can work in L&D when I graduate or in the nursery and hopefully this internship will give me a step in the door.

If I could write in a short paragraph my dreams and goals as far as my career this is how it would go (based on my thoughts right now): First and foremost I have to finish school before I can get anywhere which is a pain in the hiney in itself. I would like to move to Birmingham and work in L&D at UAB or St. Vincents or wherever for like a year or so. Then I would like to do travel nursing because I feel like there’s still so much of the United States I would like to see and maybe that would give me a chance. I would probably only do this for like a year because I’m sure it gets lonely being away all the time by yourself. Then after that I could decide what area I like and what location I like and then go from there…..but who knows…i’m sure I am not in complete control of my future but hopefully everything will turn out great.

So anyways, needless to say, I am STOKED about where all this school bs is leading me…i love it. peace

<3 April 6, 2009

I wake up every morning and look myself dead in the eye

I see the same thing I’ve always seen but then I realize

I’m not the girl I used to be, some things have really changed

it seems as if the pieces of my life have been quickly rearranged

This something makes its way across my mind throughout the day

What is this thing that constantly takes my focus completely away?

Is this thing a good thing or will it hurt me in the end

how come I get this feeling but can’t figure out what it is?

I have so many questions yet the answers remain unknown

how long do I have to figure out these things before they’re suddenly gone?

I’ve learned to love this mystery of a thing that follows me

The things that go unanswered and the things I cannot see.

I’ve tried so hard to figure out what this is leading me to

And then I take a step out into the world and i realize….it’s you.

-anonymous

BOOBS April 2, 2009

So just recently me and my mom decided that it would be a good idea to check into getting a breast reduction. I have had huge boobs since i was like 3 years old and because of that I will never understand why people want to have huge fake boobs. No clothes fit right, your back hurts alllllllll the time, and no one ever really gets a good look at your face…just your chest. Last thursday we went to have the consultation with the doctor just to find out details and stuff and it went realllllly well. And apparently my boobs are so big that the insurance company is going to cover the cost of my surgery (which I just found out today). so i’m super stoked and hopefully this will help me feel better about myself and have  a little more self confidence since that’s an area I am lacking in sometimes. But anyways I just thought I would let the world know I’m gonna have new small boobies soon and i can’t wait!!!! (kinda scared a little too though but oh well)   peace

Scary thing… March 20, 2009

I’ve been reading this book called Mistaken Identity and although it’s a really good book, it’s also one of those books that gets you thinking. It’s a lot about death and dying and quite frankly I don’t like thinking about that stuff because even though it is an inevitable thing, it’s really scary to me. I have these days where I will constantly think about it because of something I have read or something I saw on tv or someone I know had recently lost a loved one.

It’s ironic that I would choose nursing as a profession because I know this is something I will have to deal with on a constant basis. But I have come to the realization that death is not the saddest part…it’s hearing about someone dying before they have really gotten a chance to live completely and fulfill all of their dreams. It’s especially sad to me when younger people die because it seems so unfair that they didn’t get a chance to do certain things. This lady in my nursing class had a daughter who died in a 4-wheeler accident last weekend, and she was only 10 years old…things like that just break my heart. It just doesn’t seem right.

I didn’t really experience someone dying who was really close to me until this past summer. My cousin Dana died from a brain tumor she had been fighting for several years. She was such an inspiring and phenomenal person and I can only hope to be loved by as many people as she was. The most important thing, I’ve realized, is that you have to tell the people you love that you love them…no matter what is going on that day, whether you are mad at them or not, whether you talk to them everyday or whatever…you have to tell them because you never know when you won’t be able to tell them.

It’s not me dying that scares me really to be quite honest. It’s the fear of losing someone I love. There are so many people in my life that are so wonderful, and there is absolutely not one person I could ever imagine not being in my life. Every one I know has their own unique thing about them that makes me love exactly who they are and I feel as if all of these little things make up the puzzle pieces of my life. So…..

To all my girls: Thister, LaLa, Anna, Nanner, Viv, Erica, and all the rest of you hooligans…I LOVE YOU! to Brad and the rest of the Griers….I LOVE YOU. To my little Cici girl…of course I love you to death. and to my mom and my dad and my brother, and lori.….I LOVE YOU SO MUCH i CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU. (and of course to the rest of my family I love you too). Just thought I would go ahead and get that out there.

So everyone...tell the people you care about that you love them. You never know when it might be your last chance. OK? alright thanks. PEACE&LOVE

the SCOOP…. March 11, 2009

I haven’t written anything lately because I have been “hella” busy with so much stuff in which most of it I find irrelevant. Yet, a lot of things have actually been positive so I guess that nothing in life is really irrelevant…some things suck but oh well.

So as far as school goes, today I had my third test in the class that I am taking for the second time…and just to clear some things up- I have to make a 73 to pass the class; therefore, I really need to make a 73 on all my test (preferably higher) and last time I took the class I believe I made a 46, 52, 68, and a 76. Anyways, the test I took today, I actually (for once in my nursing school life) I felt really good about it. But the horrible part is sitting and waiting for my teacher to posts the grades…i mean my stomach starts doing funny things and I get headaches and what not….so i waited…. I MADE AN 86!!!! For once I was actually proud of myself and I felt like my hard work paid off. So enough about that but just to let you know so far I have made a 72, 78, and an 86…So I’m doing MUCH better.

Also, my mom came in town this weekend and we had an awesome time. She is such an awesome person and I love her more now than I ever have because I feel like now that I am older, she doesn’t really seem like a mother but more like a best friend. And friends are pretty much fantastic so I love it. We went out and partied a little (keeping in mind that my mom is not really the “partying” type) but I think she had a really good time so it was fun. I miss my dad though…I know my parents are only 2 1/2 hours away from me but sometimes I get so consumed with school and stuff that it seems like such a hassle to pack up and go down there but I know I need to go home more because these are the people that my world revolves around

Regarding the diet thing I did, I did what I was supposed to pretty much except for that Saturday and I ended up losing 4 pounds I think. But….I haven’t done it since then so who knows. I’m probably back where I started…damn. AND I tore some ligaments in my foot, so that also set me back a little as far as working out…ok moving on- I HATE this subject!

Ok so here’s the excitement in my life…which may sound sad to you but I don’t think it is. I am reading this book called “Second Glance” by Jodi Picoult. I have never really been a reader because the only reading I have ever done as far as reading is browsing books on medical clop. But I found out that I look forward to coming home and reading a book not about blood and bones and hearts and stuff….and I have come to the realization that reading is like therapy for me. But anyways, about the book, not only does it have a good story and totally mind boggling twists and turns, but if you actually think about the situations the people are in throughout the book, I think most people could relate to someone in there. Now it’s probably not one of those life changing books, but in my opinion, it is TERIFFIC! (so if you get a chance then take a peek).

So that is what’s been going on with me lately. oh yeah, I have had no crazy dreams lately except for one about my witch of a teacher but that’s it so I’m kind of stuck as far as writing about that. But anyways, hope all is well with everyone. peace

DrEaMs….such strange things February 26, 2009

I’ve been meaning to write about this but just haven’t gotten around to yet, so while I am letting my hair dry I guess I will take a shot. Dreaming is one of those things that really just fascinates me simply because most of the time they are so unexplainable. I go through phases where I don’t dream anything for a while and then all of a sudden it seems like I have several dreams all in one night for several nights.

My intrest in dreams came about my first semester in nursing school in my Fundamentals class. We had this discussion about interpretations of dreams and it was so neat: for instance, supposedly if you dream something is chasing you, then this means there is something (issues, people, etc.) in your life you are afraid to confront so you are running from it; also, there are certain interpretations of dreaming about certain animals. For instance, if you dream about a snake, then that means there is someone in your life that you despise and really just dont like…”evil” or something of that nature.

So as we were talking about it I brought up the fact that I have had the same exact dream several times over several years. I dream that I am walking on a gravel playground with just a swing set and no one is there. There is a baby seat or pumpkin seat or whatever it’s called facing the opposite direction and I walk 0ver to it and look and there’s a baby in it. So my dream always ends with me picking up the baby and taking it and that’s all there is to it…..yeah….weird I know. But I have had that same dream so many times and it’s always exactly the same.

I have seen books out there about interpreting dreams and all of that, but really I believe it’s one of those things that will always bring about question. I think it would be really cool to connect with people who may have similar dreams that you do to see if there is anything in their life that kind of matches what is going on in your life…but that is just a thought. I would love to learn more about it, because I think that every dream has some sort of meaning….not necessarily literal meaning but I think there is a lot of symbolism within the things you think about when you are at the deepest cycle of sleep.

So I will leave this by saying if anyone knows any really good books or websites or something about the dreaming process and what dreams may mean that i would love to hear from you….or if you simply just have an interest in them like i do, I would love to hear from you also!   *sweet dreams*

Not my favorite topic…bla! February 23, 2009

Nutrition and the whole eating healthy thing is one of the things I struggle with the most and have been my whole life. I love the thought of looking fantastic like all the girls in the magazines, but more than that, I would love to just be happy with the way I look. I have been on and off dieting since I can remember, and to be quite honest, it’s just a pain in the ass. I like a lot of healthy foods but I also like a lot of not so healthy foods and as bad as it sucks, I realize that until I learn to HATE the not so healthy foods, I will probably never change or be happy with the way I look.

I love working out when I’m in the mood, and it’s probably one of the only things that keeps me sane and in a pretty good mood most of the time. It makes me feel good and I hope that I will continue to do it for the rest of my life…which I think is an attainable goal. However, I have been working out now on a pretty regular basis for about 10 weeks and the total amount of weight I have lost is——- ZERO! yeah…pretty discouraging. So I came to the conclusion that I am just one of those people that will never be able to drop 5,6,7,10 pounds in a week just by excercising and eating pretty good. This is not a fun thing to realize but that’s life I guess.

So I sat down tonight (after spending 150$ on groceries—-ahhhhh) and decided I was going to make out a meal plan just for one week of really healthy eating to incorporate into my daily workouts. It took a while to actually come up with meals to put together, but if things go as planned, I will stick to this “meal plan” 100% and see how it does for me. And the hardest thing for me is not really eating healthy foods, it’s more eating healthy foods instead of really yummy, delicious, greasy, fried foods.

I really hope I can be disciplined enough to stick to this because this is something I really need to do, not only for my health, but also for myself and my mindset. I have only written out a plan for 1 week starting tomorrow so at the end of Sunday I will let you know the results….not necessarily my weight loss, but how I did and if I was able to stick to it. Wish me lots and lots and lots of luck….because I will need it! Peace

Miss CiCi Elizabeth…the love of my life! February 21, 2009

This, ladies and gentleman, is my pride and joy! This is Cecelia Elizabeth (cici for short), and I love this little mut with my whole heart. She is a mix of everything—no clue what she is mixed with really…I’m thinking a deer, greyhound maybe, chihuahua…ummm really I have no clue. I adopted her from the pound about 3 years ago, and that’s honestly the best decision I have ever made! She is the funniest creature known to man and no matter what kind of day I am having, she will ALWAYS put a smile on my face…I freakin love her!!!!

Just one of those days… February 21, 2009

I woke up this morning in an ok mood, well this afternoon really, made me a cup of coffee and sat down to watch a little tv. And then it hit me- today is going to be “one of those days.” By saying one of those days I mean a day where I’m down in the dumps for some reason that is unknown to me and I kind of just want to sit here and cry but I think that would be kind of silly. So i guess I won’t.

When I get bored and there is nothing for me to do I get sad for some reason, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m thinking too much or simply because I can’t think of anything to occupy my time. School isn’t going too bad (I did pretty good on my last test which is a relief considering I failed them all last semester), No one has been mean to me or hurt my feelings, it is that time of the month (which i’m sure is contributing to my emotions), but nothing in my life is really going bad…So why am I sad???

But i guess the best thing for me to do is realize that when I look at my life, I really should have nothing to complain about. I kind of feel selfish for even letting myself get like this because I know there are people out there going through much more than I could ever imagine. And really I should be thankful that nothing terrible is happening in my life. So I’ll shut my mouth and just try to keep my head up.

hope everyone has a better day than I anticipate for myself